One More Time...

So it's been a month since I've been back. I've really done a poor job at keeping this update. Sorry for all of you who've been checking, I'll try to be more diligent on this.

Well just so everyone has some sort of idea what I've been doing this past month...I'm just finishing up my first month at work which has been pretty cool. We just finished a one night retreat with CCF and last Friday was Orientation Dinner which was absolutely awesome. Praise God!

But in the midst of it, I've been feeling tired. September was and still is a busy month and the thing that I craved the most was just support and an understanding. I'm thankful for all those close to me that have been adjusting with me as I slip into a new lifestyle now that I'm working.

So that's a really small recap of what's been going on.

Oh yea, I also turned 21 in the past month. For all of you who came to my birthday party and chipped in for my present, thank you so much! I'm really grateful and I recognize how blessed I am to have friends like all of you.

In a couple weeks I'll be back with the band, and hopefully we'll pull through Song 1 for one final time and actually get a good recording of it. Btw, if any of you know of any gigs coming up let us know, cuz we're in the process of looking right now. Oh yea, if u've got a band name suggestion, that'd help too since we're still nameless. hahah

But onto something a little more indepth, a little more closer inside.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm doing. Sometimes I wonder if I've got it right. I remember it like yesterday...this past week has been a pretty hectic week planning and making last minute arrangements for the big unexpected influx of people coming to CCF's camping retreat. I was excited, quite excited. I felt the tension, the anxiousness, but also excitement just feeling deep inside God's got a bigger plan. That He's got a bigger picture in progress. I just remember countless times praying to God, "What's your plan? How can I follow You and join in what You're doing?"

And as we got there Friday for CCF and I opened the retreat with a prayer, it began to rain. I rushed to get a bunch of people to build a bigger meeting place with what limited tarps, poles and rope we could find as the rest of CCF was playing games and breaking the ice. When we finished, we ate dinner under our tarped area.

I was anxious at this point, just wondering wondering and wondering. I got to the point where I just walked up to Jon and told him, "Hey, if anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my car." And so I walked to my car in the rain, sat down, closed the door and stared out the windshield as the rain hit one by one.

I slowed down. I paused for a while. I breathed deeply and with what I could, I just began to pray. I was anxious. I was tense. I was questioning. And in the midst of it, I just prayed, "God what are You up to? What do You want me to do now?"

And I just heard Him say, just keep doing what you've already got planned. And so I did. When we were just about to start the worship, the rain stopped. And it didn't rain for the rest of the night until about 2 or so when people were starting to go to sleep. Praise God! He really pulled through on that.

But as I came out of retreat, I felt the purpose we had for it was accomplished...but I guess the visionary instinct inside me kinda felt a little disapointed, cuz I envisioned it to be greater. And I'm not sure if it's because we didn't do something or lacked to plan something or expecting God to move in a certain way when He moved another way.

I know this post may read like it was sound bites randomly placed together, but I guess I just wanted to write. I guess sometimes it's a lonely battle to fight when you're the leader. Sometimes the heart just takes twists and turns when you think one way while others may not see it the same way.

Perhaps this post didnt' make any sense, but hopefully my next one will be a bit more coherent and full of sense.

I guess to sum it up...I'm just tired and feeling a bit confused.