Driveway meditations. Sometimes when I drive, I turn the music low...or i tune the music out in my head, to give way to some reflective thinking on what's been going on. Relationships, work, ministry, my walk with God...the type of thinking can be anything...but what makes it a driveway meditation? It's when I finally get to my house and I've raised the parking brake and I can't seem to get out of the car. I just sit there and think, meditate, pray, or just worship. It's been one of my secret sanctuaries...sacred moments sitting in my grey Corolla, silence with the floodlight...those are my driveway meditations...and tonight I had one of those times...
This year has been an awesome year so far. I've been in places where I've learned much, and watched God move in amazing ways. It truly has been such a privilege to work with what I think the greatest team I've ever been in this type of ministry with.
But being leader isn't always easy. Just like a pyramid, when you're at the top there's always the perception that you're on your own. There's no one beside you who understands you. There's always that perception. I haven't met a leader who didn't at one point feel that sense of loneliness. It happens...and tonight that feeling came like a small whisper around again for me. Sometimes it doesn't have to be because someone is against you, or that there's been a mistake that you've made...sometimes all it takes is the pressure and the eyes watching you that will lead you into feeling so alone...the things through the grapevine you hear of yourself...the self-questioning, "Have I been doing things right? Have I been failing all this time? Is anyone following me? ... Noone feels the same, noone understands the weight on my shoulders, noone knows the tension I feel everyday seeing how things are yet knowing how things could be..."
It's tough being a leader...
But as I sat there in my car contemplating the struggle...I began to think of one of the greatest treasures a leader can ever receive...honest appreciation and encouragement. They're like drops of water from heaven in on the lips of a parched runner fighting for the finish line. Cuz being a leader is hard...it's hard cuz it takes work, it takes wisdom, it takes heart...it drains you because when you're caught up in something as important and passionate as the mission of saving souls, you can't think of what happens if you were to give anything less than 100%. And you push and push...i push and push...and even when things are going well, even when nights end with a bang, even with influxes of attendence and participation...all a leader may need something to prevent himself or herself from cracking on the inside is that drop of heaven from your lips...from my lips...that honest appreciation, that genuine encouragement, that thoughtful and insightful affirmation...
Before leading CCF I've been out of this kind of leadership for years, and when I came back, I was a little fearful that I would've forgotten what it would be like to lead...how to make decisions...how to guide spiritually...and whether or not I was cut out for this kind of thing. That's why every email I've received, every "I believe in you", every change of perspective I've received...I treasure them...because for whatever reason, they're rare. As rare as gold. And for everyone who's done that for me...from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for them.
One last thought for this post...
This past Friday night during CCF, when I sat down after giving my talk...I felt discouraged. I felt like I didn't do the greatest I could...I felt like I missed out on something, or extended too long yet still missed something...I felt I lost during moments that I intended to be deep and impactful, and I was met by laughter...
Yet when I sat there praying to God, telling Him how I wasn't feeling too great afterwards...He reminded me, in that still soft voice like He usually speaks in, "Even still, at this moment I'm working in people's hearts." And then I felt a peace overcome me...it's not up to me...in fact, even when I feel like I've messed up, He's still working.
That very evening when we went to Kowloon, I sat beside one of the most gifted encouragers I know. I decided to reveal some of how I was feeling...some of the disappointment I felt...and with certainty in his eyes, he reminded me...he encouraged me...he told me that during the prayer time afterwards, there were people crying, there were people putting their arms around others, there were groups praying for one another...God was moving. He was there. People were moved...and then it dawned me as well...even when night's don't go as planned...what matters is when God moves. And my greatest treasure as a leader is not the evening programs that go well, but the lives that are changed, the souls that have grown, and the leaders that are born through the process. More and more, I'm beginning to convince myself...that perhaps God's greatest moves happen in time rather than just instances.
What an insightful affirmation...for me...that picked up my night. That restored to me a sense of joy...for me that was a reminder from my Lord through His servant, that He's still working...
Encouragements...
And tonight...tonight...as I thought of this whole idea of encouragements...the health it brings to a leader...I experienced something of my own. That the greatest encouragement is when you're sitting on your driveway, meditating and praying...and you hear the encouragement of all encouragements...not because of the words, but because of who's giving it...tonight I felt the Lord tell me..."You're on the right path..." and it was the drop from heaven that quenched the loneliness.
