Music of the Heart

I've been visiting the blogs of guys from the band lately...and have been thinking a lot about it.

Sometimes I wonder what I have to offer. It's kinda funny sometimes. I can recall countless times when I would stand with my guitar in the heat of rehearsal and just question, "What have I got to offer? These guys are so good." I feel like the odd one out. They're all like experts in their instruments...and then some. I feel so average at times.

Sometimes, I think they'd be better off if they started that jazz quartet instead. hahaha they'd earn a whole lot more money...or they'd actually earn money hahah...

But a lot of times I wonder what I've got to offer. I've been thinking about it a lot...and I feel like my guitar playing has kinda reached a plateau. I haven't got the interest or the capacity to really play well. I almost feel like it's pointless to buy a really expensive guitar, b/c it'll be so underused by me. All those years of hating theory have begun to catch up...ionic modes, diminished chords, pentatonic scales...i think playing by ear has it's limits.

I think I'm beginning to really rethink my role. More and more I don't think of myself as a guitarist anymore. If everyone had the same guitar, the sound coming out of mine wouldn't sound have nearly as lovely as that of legends like jimmy hendricks, eric clapton, and dan yoo.

But i think the only thing i've really got that's unique is my voice, but I often feel like I'm still so small. Just singing sometimes throws me off. And the songwriting? I don't think there's ever been a side to my life I've been more insecure about than writing songs. I've come to the point where I just don't introduce them as my songs anymore...they're just "new songs". But for all those who don't really venture into this category, I find it real tough to write songs...or at least good ones.

I often listen to songs like "Dare you to move" or "Shadow proves" and just be in wonder. Wow, how did he come up with a line like that? Or how did make it so powerful and moving. The imagery is amazing. And I think about myself and I just kind of wish the same. I kinda hope that somehow after rewriting 100 times or writing a chorus and waiting for 2 years till verses show up. It's kinda frustrating at times...sometimes i do wonder if i'm cut out for it.

I think i've got like 200+ unfinished songs or ideas, out of writing for 6 years...with only i think 3-4 worship songs that have been used for services, and a one-hit wonder that helped raise awareness at Hart House for Make Poverty History. But 4-5 songs out of 200, maybe even 300+...actually a part of me thinks it's normal...or perhaps a little small.

Sometimes it's great...most of the time it's tough.

And Limits...

I think the one thing that drives me insane is the countless ideas, beats, melodies, and other things that go through my head and end up staying in my head because there's no way to bring them out. It's tough when there's no computer or keyboard, or you don't know the right software, so that you can actually audibly hear what you hear in your head. I guess that's the life of a desperately poor musician . It's always a challenge. Always a tension. It makes you edgy...like constantly having a word on the tip of your tongue...

It's not about defeat. It's just my trying to be real. I feel for all those musicians out there who want to make great music but just can't...who've got an inkling for something creative, but haven't got the means to manifest it...

But I'll keep giving my best...i just pray that God would somehow use what little i've got to do something impactful.

Can't wait for the next band practice...btw, we still haven't got a name.