Hope (Demo)

Just posted up a new demo track from our band. Check it out, the song is called "Hope". This is a song I'm really excited about. It really gets to the heart of our band...the idea that there is a hope that we can hang on to when all else looks bleak.

www.myspace.com/collidinglights

Upcoming Gigs

Hey Everyone,

So, in the next little while, I'll be posting up some newer songs on my myspace accounts...so stay tuned for those.

Colliding Lights: www.myspace.com/collidinglights
My page: www.myspace.com/michaellau

In the meantime, there's two gigs coming up.

May 18: JJ's Birthday
Really cool birthday idea...hold a talent show to raise money for children in impoverished areas of the Philippines to attend summer camp.

May 26: The Gist @ Kainos Fellowship (RHCCC)
If you're free that night, come check us out! Tell your friends, churches, fellowships, n' I hope to see you all there.

Something Like A Tornado

As I was peacefully playing my guitar in my room, all of a sudden I noticed the wind and rain outside pick up. So I quickly went to my windows and closed them and watched. Suddenly gusts of rain swept at my window. I've never seen rain get blown that fast or that hard before. I looked outside and noticed our bbq out of place and our table outside knocked over. Bad storm I thought. Then our lights went off...after a while, they came back on and the wind died down. We went outside to see what went on...and it looked a lot worse than I thought.

Fences were torn apart, roof shingles littered everywhere, whole 30 foot trees were uprooted from the ground...one of the neighbors we know had an 8'x5' window sucked out of their kitchen and her whole kitchen was an incredible mess.

Who would've thought we'd have something like this in peaceful Richmond Hill...now the sun is up, birds are chirping, and firetruck, ambulance, and police alarms are blazing all around the neighborhood.

If you want to see more, I've uploaded it on youtube:

33 Dead at Viriginia Tech

Sometimes I can't believe what I'm hearing. Typically everyday, I listen to 680 news, read the star, or browse the CNN website and I hear about the odd story here or there, or about the homicide that happened here. But the other day when I heard about how 33 people were shot to death on a campus in the States, I just couldn't control feeling so sad and upset about it.

32 people shot to death by a student...why!? Why is there such a darkness in us that would cause someone to do this?

Sorry this post isn't so bright, but over the past couple days/weeks death has been a pretty heavy reality around me.

A couple weeks back I recieved an email about how my friend had to return to Hong Kong immediately because his grandfather just passed away.

Last Friday, my friend called me. In tears, she said, "Mike, my father's dying..." and that night he passed away.

Last night, I received an email from yet another friend. His aunt and uncle were on an anniversary and the uncle died in a sudden accident.

Sometimes...I just don't understand. I mean, perhaps it's just me, but I just feel broken inside on behalf of these people. To think of the pain, the hurt, the suffering they go through...I can't think it, it's beyond what I know.

I would think, when things like these happen, people start to think about God. Does He exist? If He does, does He care?

In a world stained in darkness like what happened in Virginia Tech, the AIDs pandemic around the world, and the crisis in Darfur my hope is in knowing there is a God that exists, He does care, He has done something about it and is still doing something about it now...of which one is calling us to join Him by praying.

New Song Posted

Hey everyone,

just wanted to say i've been spending a lot of time on that myspace account hahah.

i just posted another song, it might be a little more familiar to most of you. hope you enjoy and are blessed.

www.myspace.com/michaellau

myspace adventures

So lately, I've been really toying around with the idea of putting my music up. I've always thought about singing up a myspace account, but never really thought I had anything to put up. So finally I've ventured into the myspace realm and have come up with two sites. Check it out when you get the chance:

Worship Songs:
www.myspace.com/michaellau

Colliding Lights (My Band):
www.myspace.com/collidinglights


Enjoy.

I'll give a proper post soon.

Recharge: Reconnect - Synchronized [Part 3]

"Jesus, we welcome You in this place.

Come and heal our hearts tonight.

Tonight,

Heal our hearts tonight."

This year was a different year for retreat when it came to speakers. In the past, we've always had external speakers come and share insight and truth with us. This year it was internal.

We started looking for speakers a couple months back, we had one or two in mind but in the end things didn't pull through. One person in particular that I thought would be ideal to speak was Kirk Bartha. I've heard a lot of great things about this man, his heart, his life...there's always been a buzz about the way he lets the Spirit move in his life and let God have His way and move His way.

After a couple emails, Kirk told me that he wouldn't be able to make it that weekend. However, he said he'd be in town a week and a half before the retreat and would love to meet with Kat, myself, and other students.

That night, when Kat and I met with Kirk was the first time I actually sat down to talk with him and it was an intense night. I don't know what it was, actually perhaps I do, it was the Spirit that guided that night, the Spirit that led our conversations...there were moments when I heard stories or was told of something that typically would make me cautious or hesitant to believe...but there was such peace, truth, and humility...it was really cool.

One thing that I learned that night from Kirk was that discernment happens in a community. This would turnout to be one of the most important lessons I took to the CCF retreat as a leader.

To cut a long story short, there was a point in the night when Kirk turned to me and asked, "Are you still looking for a speaker?" At this point I thought, "Yes, He's changed his mind." Then he started talking about Kat and the story about her speaking at YOAH, then I thought, "How could I have missed it? I should've asked Kat, Kirk's gonna tell me to ask Kat." Then Kirk turns to me and says, "I think you need to speak. There's something you need to say."

That caught me by surprise...but I held onto it...the person I was asking to come speak at retreat just told me to speak instead.

So as I approached the committee to discern the whole speaker issue, we came to the agreement that it seemed like God was leading us to keep it internal this year. But rather than just have one speaker, we decided to split it off into three: Gizelle, Charles, and myself.

As I thought and prayed over the message I would give, one of the things I thought would be a good topic to preach on would be "Living Waters". But as I prayed and thought over a couple scriptures, something inside me was thinking, I don't think I should be talking about this. So taking the risk, I dropped the topic and decided to see where else God was leading me.

The afternoon we arrived at fellowship, after I had given my talk on community, I went straight to my committee and started asking them, "What do you feel the Spirit is doing?"...and throughout the retreat, almost at random, mostly guided, I kept going to people asking them what they perceived the Spirit is doing and then talking to the rest of the committee about changing plans and such to follow that...it was a really cool experience.

But after asking them that question, I gathered with Charles and Gizelle to talk about what was going on...I wasn't sure what they'd be talking about yet, but after I had asked Charles told me he felt like he was going to talk about Thirst...about how God is this living water that gives us the soul satisfaction that we need.

That's when it clicked...I thought of doing that talk, but didn't feel the Lord leading me to do it, so I dropped it...because the Lord had been leading Charles all this time to talk on it. God had been planning it out all along. Really cool.

One last story about the whole group discernment.

Sunday night was going to be our music worship night followed by a time of sharing where the guys and girls were split off into their own groups. However, as we had hoped, during our music worship time I felt the Lord was moving in the hearts of people there. Amidst the songs we sang, both planned and spontaneous, I felt like I just had to let God His thing...something else that Kirk told me to do...when God shows up, just step back.

After singing for who knows how long and after just basking in His presence...I felt like that place where we were, in our hearts, in our souls, in that room...God was doing something. And I felt like the Spirit was leading us to just stay in that room.

But I remembered, "discernment happens in a community"...so taking a step I've never done before, I stepped to the mic and said, "I feel like the Spirit's doing something right now and that He wants us to stay here...but discernment happens in a community, so I want to ask you if you feel like the Spirit is moving and you want to stay or if you want to go. So if you feel like we should stay, then just raise your hand." I looked around the room and I didn't really see many if any hands were raised. "How many of you feel like we should stay?" Then I saw about half the group's hands go up. "Ok, let's stay. Here's your time, you know what to do." And at that moment I just stepped back and let God do His thing.

I think we stayed for almost an hour in that room...people prayed on their own, some huddled together arms on each others shoulders crying and praying...some just sat still...others got together and began to get into some deep sharing which led to prayer...

Whatever it was, I just stepped back and watched God move in unique ways with each unique individual or group. It was awesome...especially to know God is moving.

Recharge:Reconnect - Gratitude [Part 2]

Saturday night as I sat in Fair Haven's dining hall eating from a plate filled with food from the buffet, I had a sudden realization of how blessed we are.

Sitting there eating such good food, looking around and seeing how we have a facility that is at least 3 times larger than what we've had in previous years...even the fact that people are serving us food (a blessing at a price...but a blessing nonetheless), I just realized how great God has been to this fellowship.

And I think what really topped it off was, as I thought about all these blessings we've received at Fair Havens, I knew that this was something we couldn't afford. All of this, was beyond our budget...but a sense of gratitude filled my heart because God provided what we could not...He wanted us to be blessed there and provided the money.

Who are we to have had such a blessing? The only adequate response I know of is just gratitude. We didn't deserve it.

Who are we? but yet He provided. Our God is amazing.

Recharge:Reconnect - Community [Part 1]

This past weekend on retreat was an incredible weekend.

I think one of the best ways I could sum it up would be the time when I was on my way out of Fair Havens, there was a sign at the end of the road just before we exited that said, "We beheld His Glory."

I think that's probably one of the coolest things. Let me expand on that a little bit.

Back in Biblical times, there used to be a rabbinical saying that when two or three gathered together the Shekinah (Glory of God) would be in their midst...think about it, because when Jesus came and said "when two or three gather together in my Name, then there I am with them"...Jesus was referring to Himself as the glory of God. But here's the interesting part...it was when two or three people...a community gathred in His name, that the Shekinah Glory, Jesus Himself, appeared...and that's exactly what I felt leaving this retreat...

We beheld His Glory...in the community.

This weekend I have been blessed so much, and I could not have envisioned this retreat to turn out the way it did. God is amazing and He works in amazing ways.

I have so many stories to tell, and if I were to type them all out right now, I'd get massive cramps in my hands from all the typing. So this is what I'm gonna do...for the next week or so, I'll try to post up one story each day along with whatever pictures I can find.

So here's the story for today:

For the first time, in what history I know of for CCF, we had a joint retreat where we had members of VCF come and attend our retreat as guests. This step on its own is so cool, because though only 7 or so of them came, this was what I felt as the first steps, the first waves of a deeper sense of unity developing among fellowships. It was awesome to serve them this weekend.

After we had arrived and settled in on Saturday, I gave a talk that afternoon about community. We walked through the Bible, from Genesis to the book of Acts, about at the central of God's essence and His plan has been community. God gave all of Himself to establish community here on earth, so why shouldn't we?

Towards the end of my talk, I quoted a professor by the name of Dr. Belzekien (who I essentially got this talk from) which said, "Church is either community or no church at all." That is so true when you consider the story God writes through the Bible and through human history.

And with a pause, I looked at this amazing group before me and I told them, "CCF is either community or not CCF at all. Community is not an option." It's part of God's plan and intention...and it's been absolutely incredible how God has grown UTCCF to become such a Christ-centred community through this year.

During one of my small groups, later on in the retreat, one of the girls from VCF shared something with us from her heart. She told us of how she had been in many retreats throughout her life...and they were all kind of the same thing, so she had an expectation that this retreat would be more or less similar to what happened in those. But that wasn't the case, there was something different. What she experienced at the retreat this year was really different from what she expected, in a good way.

She said that in previous retreats, it was about individuals helping individuals with their individual walk with God. But at this retreat, it wasn't about seeking God with a community, but seeking God as a community. There was a oneness in our community, that it wasn't about...let's gather together to talk about how to seek God, then we all go our own ways and try to seek Him. But rather, we gathered together, and as one, sought the Lord together.

That in itself was really encouraging...but what she said next, totally blew me away...

She then said, "For the rest of the year, I want to come to your Friday night programs so that I can learn from you guys how to do community."

At that point I was so humbled. I almost couldn't believe what she was saying. I was really moved by what she said...because it's so rare to have someone from another ministry come to yours and say that they want to learn. I'm so humbled by their humility. I admire that so much. This really is God's work and not mine.

In addition to that, there was another new comer to CCF who attends the church of a pastor friend of mine, who came up to me on the final day and said, "I really love what's going on here. Do you think I could come to your meetings so that I could see what it's like?" I'm so humbled at what God is doing at CCF. Because I know, it is He is increasing and I am decreasing...the way it's suppose to be.

God is up to something big...and I believe, this year is only just part of the beginning.

Stay tuned...

Two Special Days in February

Last Tuesday was Kat's birthday, and leading up to that day, I kept wondering, "What can I do to surprise her this year?" I mean, typically, the idea would be to buy her some kind of meaningful gift and treat her out for dinner at some nice place...but I thought...that's so typical.

So after thinking about it for a while, I thought to myself, why not cook her dinner using the cookbook that she gave me for my Christmas present? I thought, "Not a bad idea..."...that is until I came to details and realized I couldn't do it at my place...that'd be just awkward...or her place...that wouldn't work...

So I thought about it some more and then it occurred to me, my friend lives in an apartment by himself. So I emailed my friend and asked him to borrow his condo for the evening so I could make dinner for Kat and he said yes.

Nice.

So the Saturday while she was away on retreat, I gathered all the ingredients for the main components of the meal and practiced at home...didn't want to make a mistake or burn anything the day of. So I made some stuff and tested on my family just to make sure it was ok.

Monday night, I got a laundry basket and filled it up with all my cooking utensils and supplies and dropped it all off at my friend's place. On Tuesday, I got off work early (without telling Kat) and went over to my friend's place to marinade the food, bread the appetizer and just make sure everything was more or less assemble-and-cook ready for the night.

When I got to her place, I kept giving her hints that we were going to a nice restaurant, that it's a new place. My intention, to catch her in complete surprise.

So when she got in my car, I told her she had to wear a blindfold to the place we're going to b/c it's a surprise. When we arrived in the underground parking lot, I led her into the elevator up to my friend's condo. She had no clue what was going on. "Why is it so quite? Which restaurant are we going to?" So we got off the elevator, I took her into the condo, made her face the door, took off her blindfold and slipped a menu (that I had made) in her hands...

"I'll be your chef and your waiter tonight..."

;)

She was completely surprised. And I was so happy she was. She told me she totally didn't see it coming, haha I was really glad. If you want to check out how it turned out, go check out her website at katluksadventures.blogspot.com. I think it turned out pretty nice...that practice paid off.

Well the next day was Valentines day. We met up after I finished work and with a dozen roses, I picked her up from her house and took her to Richlane mall to eat...for a time in our relationship, we always went here to eat. Well, after we finished eating, we went back to her place b/c she had a surprise for me that she spent the whole day making.

I had no clue what it was...but after we arrived and I finally walked into this room...I was (as Kat phrased it) "swept off my feet". In an empty room in the basement, Kat cut out stars and stuck them onto the ceiling, and had hearts on strings coming from the ceiling. She had her laptop playing a couple of our songs, and white christmas lights and candles all around the room. And to top it off, she baked cookies and made chocolate dipped strawberries! They were soooooo good! It was such an awesome surprise.

Kat is absolutely incredible. That night, she reminded me of how she appreciates me so much. I am so blessed. Through the ups and downs of our relationship, God has been so faithful to bring us through.

Jehovah Jireh - God Provides

Coming into this year, I always wondered if by the end of this year, I would have the chance to share of an amazing story of God's provision...and last Friday, that story came.

Background information:

This year for the UTCCF retreat, we searched for a retreat site with a certain criteria. For weeks, Yuan (our retreat organizer) searched and searched with not many options to consider...they were all booked. Finally we came down to one option, Fair Havens. At first, the price they had offered was very costly, and considering that we are all students...there was no way we could pay somewhere up to $120/person just for accomodation and meals. So after some talking and negotiating, we ended up with a deal for $100/person. Even still, when we factored in the transportation + speaker + other misc costs, it would be easily $120/person, compared to previous years when it was only $80/person. So after a late night conversation with Yuan, I made the decision that it'd be too expensive and asked Yuan to cancel with Fair Havens because we just couldn't afford it.

This is where the story begins...

While I was in Urbana, I got an email from Yuan. It was actually a forward from our correspondant from Fair Havens. Essentially, after we had cancelled with Fair Havens, the lady we talked with went back to discuss with the staff at FH to see if they could further reduce the cost to accomodate us. They agreed on a price and came back to us saying, "We've tried to work it down a little more, will $92.50/person work for you?"

I was really moved. I knew there was a waiting list, where I'm sure other organizations would have taken our place probably could have paid the full price. Fair Havens was willing to give up a couple thousand dollars, just so they could accomodate poor university students like us. I was really impressed...they went the extra mile for us.

So after some discussions we said, "We'll take the offer".

God provided the retreat site.

But there was another issue on our hands...$92.50 only accounted for the accomodation and meals. With all our other costs, each person would still have to pay around $110. That's a lot of money. So we were left with the question, "How much should we charge for the retreat? How much could we ask/trust God to provide?"

At urbana God really spoke to me when the prayer coordinator shared a word that she had recieved years back from the Lord saying, "Why don't you pray something that takes me to be God to answer?" And as I reflected on it, I decided to do the same. I prayed and asked God to provide enough money so that people would only have to be charged $50-75.

So we went to the Student council to ask for money. We asked for a couple thousand and ended up with only 10% of what we had asked. So now we had to make a decision. We had enough to cover a couple dollars per person but we'd still be around $110 mark per person.

It was a tough decision. On one side, I began to ask God what was going on? Were my prayers not answered, or just not answered yet? What if someone came to me and said, "Mike, see how God hasn't provided. What this shows is your irresponsibility as chair with CCF's money. You took such a high risk, now you're stuck with either charging people too much or you're gonna let CCF take such a large hit (within the thousands of dollars)."

And as convinced I was that God would provide...as trusting as I was that God owned all things and a couple thousand is nothing too hard for God to provide...I worried. I really was concerned. I remember secret prayers that I would give up to God...honest ones, "God, I confess, I'm worried. I don't know where this money is going to come from. What lesson, what goal, what point are you trying to teach me? How am I suppose to lead this fellowship now? I know You can provide, please help my disbelief."

I still trusted God, but I struggled.

After discussing it with the committee we decided $85/person was a fair price to balance the cost and affordability. With that, we still had a gap of somewhere around $1500.

So what we did was think about fundraising methods, send letters to CCF alumni to explain the situation and ask for help, ask some local churches we knew, and primarily just pray.

Well last Friday was our last Friday before our retreat. It was a typical Friday night at CCF. When I got home after dropping off a couple people I got an email from Jon Chant (our treasurer)...and I couldn't believe it, but yet at the same time knew it was coming.

When Jon got home that night, he opened the little offering box that we pass around every Friday. Inside the box, he found an envelope with a post it note attached saying "UTCCF: God told me to give you this."

He opened the envelope and noticed a $100 bill inside. He thought, "Wow, a hundred dollars is quite a bit of money." But then he noticed that wasn't the only bill inside.

So he pulled out the contents and started to count...

1...

2...

3...

When he had finished counting...there were FIFTEEN $100 bills all together. $1500 in that envelope!!! He couldn't stop laughing and smiling...and when I read that, I started to just smile and feel this overwhelming sense of gratitude to the Lord and to that anonymous donor.

Wow. God is so faithful. God is so good.

God provided. And now there's peace in our hearts going to retreat.

If you've read this far, wow, you're a real trooper. Could I ask you for a favour? Please keep UTCCF in your prayers this week and this weekend. Prayer besides petitioning, is a request to join...join into what God is doing. I'm asking you to pray not just so that things go well with us, but because I would want you to have a part in this journey too.

There's this illustration I've used a couple times at CCF already of a scene from the Chronicles of Narnia movie. It was the part when in the blistering winter, when hope was so small, a little fox came to the children and the beavers...and in a confident whisper said, "Aslan is on the move."

God is on the move.

The Master Chess Player

I know, I know, I know...it's time for an update...

This is a really short one for now, I'll update more later...

But when I reflect on what God's been doing in the past 2 years (including this year) at UTCCF, I can't help but think of Him as master chess player...moving His pieces around, tactically, specifically, strategically...all for the killer move. God's been moving all this time, and I think I'm actually wrong in saying in the past 2 years...because ever since UT begun, God moved.

And I think He's nearing his last ones with regards to UT. I think all those late night prayers, all those passion-filled conversations, and late night dreaming for our campus...it's like every time something like that happens, the temperature of the kettle rises a little more...and just like before it whistles from the boiling water...there's those slight rumbles and bubbles...that appear here, and there...

the temperature, is rising...
the pieces, are moving...
the forecast for revival...

...coming.

And one of the next big move in this bigger picture, I believe is here: http://uofthop.wordpress.com/

I really encourage, student of UT, member of CCF, or not...please check it out and join us even if you don't sign up, but if you want a challenge, sign up.

MMMMMMMMMMEEERRRRRRRRRRRY CHRISTMAS!!!

Spiritual Architecture: A Song Set in Stone

I was checking out Genuine's flickr site w/ all the pictures he's been taking lately. I've always been a fan for cathedrals. Once I learned a little about the history of them, it really spoke out to me. So when I saw this picture, I thought I'd take a moment to write out a reflection on a moment I found myself in the other week.

It was Sunday afternoon, after church I decided to just take some time off on my own. Solitude. Silence. It was something I've been craving for since the last time Kat and I went to Peterborough. So seeking a quiet place, I decided to go check out if the cathedral over by Woodbine and Major Mac (picture above). When I pulled up to the gate, I realized it was locked, so I parked in a nearby residential area and just sat in my car staring out into this open space with this cathedral sitting right in the middle.

I just wanted some time with God. It's been so busy at CCF, at work, at church...it's that hustling and bustling that makes my body crave for stillness...so I just sat there, writing in a green notepad a prayer to my God.

And as I was writing, just telling Him how I loved sitting there writing to Him, how I really like the view of the cathedral I was beginning to just draw on the architecture, spiritual lessons on who God is. I remember how I was told once that back in the old days, cathedrals were built - like most of our praise songs today - to direct people's attentions to God.

So as I wrote about what I observed from a distance, I began to observe characteristics of God.

...I love how the cathedral is tall, it reminds me to look up to You, the one who I find strength, the one my eyes should be set upon, the one who is sovereign reigning over all things.
< ...I love how the tips are capped with gold, it reminds me of Your majesty, Your royalty, Your kingship.

...I love how the cathedral is big, it reminds me of Your grandness, of Your greatness, of Your otherness.

...I love how the cathedral is built with stone, it reminds me that You are a firm rock, the rock on which I stand, the source of my hope and strength.

Spiritual architecture...it's like a song set in 3-D...a painting drawn with stones piled a hundred feet high...it was like a window through time, when I saw as the peasants did...the ones who couldn't read, and depended on the stain glass windows inside to convey the stories of the prodigal son, the lost sheep, the great sacrifice, and the open grave...

...to me it was a moment when I heard a song set in stone and directing me to my God.

Our God is an awesome God.

Driveway Meditations on Being a Leader

Driveway meditations. Sometimes when I drive, I turn the music low...or i tune the music out in my head, to give way to some reflective thinking on what's been going on. Relationships, work, ministry, my walk with God...the type of thinking can be anything...but what makes it a driveway meditation? It's when I finally get to my house and I've raised the parking brake and I can't seem to get out of the car. I just sit there and think, meditate, pray, or just worship. It's been one of my secret sanctuaries...sacred moments sitting in my grey Corolla, silence with the floodlight...those are my driveway meditations...and tonight I had one of those times...

This year has been an awesome year so far. I've been in places where I've learned much, and watched God move in amazing ways. It truly has been such a privilege to work with what I think the greatest team I've ever been in this type of ministry with.

But being leader isn't always easy. Just like a pyramid, when you're at the top there's always the perception that you're on your own. There's no one beside you who understands you. There's always that perception. I haven't met a leader who didn't at one point feel that sense of loneliness. It happens...and tonight that feeling came like a small whisper around again for me. Sometimes it doesn't have to be because someone is against you, or that there's been a mistake that you've made...sometimes all it takes is the pressure and the eyes watching you that will lead you into feeling so alone...the things through the grapevine you hear of yourself...the self-questioning, "Have I been doing things right? Have I been failing all this time? Is anyone following me? ... Noone feels the same, noone understands the weight on my shoulders, noone knows the tension I feel everyday seeing how things are yet knowing how things could be..."

It's tough being a leader...

But as I sat there in my car contemplating the struggle...I began to think of one of the greatest treasures a leader can ever receive...honest appreciation and encouragement. They're like drops of water from heaven in on the lips of a parched runner fighting for the finish line. Cuz being a leader is hard...it's hard cuz it takes work, it takes wisdom, it takes heart...it drains you because when you're caught up in something as important and passionate as the mission of saving souls, you can't think of what happens if you were to give anything less than 100%. And you push and push...i push and push...and even when things are going well, even when nights end with a bang, even with influxes of attendence and participation...all a leader may need something to prevent himself or herself from cracking on the inside is that drop of heaven from your lips...from my lips...that honest appreciation, that genuine encouragement, that thoughtful and insightful affirmation...

Before leading CCF I've been out of this kind of leadership for years, and when I came back, I was a little fearful that I would've forgotten what it would be like to lead...how to make decisions...how to guide spiritually...and whether or not I was cut out for this kind of thing. That's why every email I've received, every "I believe in you", every change of perspective I've received...I treasure them...because for whatever reason, they're rare. As rare as gold. And for everyone who's done that for me...from the bottom of my heart, I thank you for them.

One last thought for this post...

This past Friday night during CCF, when I sat down after giving my talk...I felt discouraged. I felt like I didn't do the greatest I could...I felt like I missed out on something, or extended too long yet still missed something...I felt I lost during moments that I intended to be deep and impactful, and I was met by laughter...

Yet when I sat there praying to God, telling Him how I wasn't feeling too great afterwards...He reminded me, in that still soft voice like He usually speaks in, "Even still, at this moment I'm working in people's hearts." And then I felt a peace overcome me...it's not up to me...in fact, even when I feel like I've messed up, He's still working.

That very evening when we went to Kowloon, I sat beside one of the most gifted encouragers I know. I decided to reveal some of how I was feeling...some of the disappointment I felt...and with certainty in his eyes, he reminded me...he encouraged me...he told me that during the prayer time afterwards, there were people crying, there were people putting their arms around others, there were groups praying for one another...God was moving. He was there. People were moved...and then it dawned me as well...even when night's don't go as planned...what matters is when God moves. And my greatest treasure as a leader is not the evening programs that go well, but the lives that are changed, the souls that have grown, and the leaders that are born through the process. More and more, I'm beginning to convince myself...that perhaps God's greatest moves happen in time rather than just instances.

What an insightful affirmation...for me...that picked up my night. That restored to me a sense of joy...for me that was a reminder from my Lord through His servant, that He's still working...

Encouragements...

And tonight...tonight...as I thought of this whole idea of encouragements...the health it brings to a leader...I experienced something of my own. That the greatest encouragement is when you're sitting on your driveway, meditating and praying...and you hear the encouragement of all encouragements...not because of the words, but because of who's giving it...tonight I felt the Lord tell me..."You're on the right path..." and it was the drop from heaven that quenched the loneliness.

Open up your hearts to Him...

Lately I've been listening over and over again to the song Tom Read wrote that captured my heart's expression while I was in Hong Kong...

"Open up you heavenly gates
Let the King of Glory in
Open up your hearts to Him
Let the King of Glory in."

Last Saturday I led our joint church missions conference into singing this song, and when we got to the chorus, I just let myself go in singing this song out. B/c the Word says that the Lord resides in the praises of His people, and that the Kingdom of Heaven is within you. We are His temple, and His Spirit is residing in us. How awesome can that be? It's beyond me. God is such an awesome God.

CCF
Lately God has been doing some amazing stuff at CCF. Two weeks ago, I felt the Lord lead us at CCF to give an alter call after our regular Friday service. I was pumped, excited and just anticipating God's move. I began to realize that as a leader, all I need to do is just provide the opportunity for God to move. Two weeks ago, one of my friends came to Christ. He's been at CCF, going to church, and studying the Word for the longest of time, but hadn't made the decision till that night. The week following, he led a Bible study. I sat in the Bible study and he did an awesome job.

Last Monday, I sat down with the committee and asked them for feedback. But more than just feedback on the program and how things went and what people thought...I asked them, "What is the spiritual state of CCF? What is God doing at CCF? What are some of the hints He's left us with of what He's doing? What are some the glimpses of where He wants to bring us?" And after thinking through it and reflecting we realized two things:
1. Provide the opportunity for people to believe in Christ for the first time on Friday large groups.
2. Emphasize small groups.

Last Friday, based on those two things, we opened the floor again for anyone who wanted to believe in Christ for the first time...and FOUR people signified that they wanted to make that decision! Our God is an awesome God!

And with each week of CCF that passes by, I'm beginning to convince myself that I've found the key to a successful ministry. It's not in better plans, better strategies, or ideas...but it's in obeying the answer to the question, "God what are You doing? How can I join in?" Never before have I placed myself in the leadership position of just following fully in this sense. And since I've stepped into this role and into following, I see more and more how great God is and how small I am...and all I need to keep doing is just ask and see where God is moving and watch Him do amazing things.

Open up your hearts to Him...and watch the King of Glory come in.

P.S. If you want to check out this song and its songwriter, you can find him here at: http://www.thomasread.net

He's up to something big...

utccf
Tonight was our first official large group gathering. We moved to a new venue for just this week at Hart House.

The schedule started today at 4:30pm. It was suppose to be a time of prayer. I was a little late so when I walked into the room I saw people chatting, practicing music, setting up stuff...but in the middle of this hallway I saw a group of girls with their eyes closed, sitting in a circle praying. So I decided, since my purpose of arriving at this time was to pray, I was going to join them. So I pulled up a chair and began to just listen in and agree to what they were praying.

When things were settling a bit, I decided it was my turn to pray. And as I prayed I remember one thing that really impressed into my heart. That as I walked into this room, it really moved me to see a group of girls gathered together praying when others were doing other things around them. And I remember so clearly what I came next...I began to pray expressing how I was so blessed by these girls' hearts for change in this campus and that they knew where the key to that change was...in prayer. They were right on.

To sum it up. I was excited, nervous, and anticipating great things...and God ended up taking me down an incredible road tonight. Tonight was yet another time in the past couple weeks when I've just felt so small, so humbled, to think that God would choose me to be a part of this great big plan that He had.

And I honestly think God's up to something big this year and we're not going have to wait till the end of the year to see it. It's coming quick. Frosh BBQ was good, OD was awesome, Retreat was amazing, and tonight was incredible. I don't think I've seen so many people in CCF in the times that I've been there before. It wasn't because of the program, b/c no one really knew what tonight was about till they arrived. It was God working. It was His community in action. It was His Spirit moving.

And all I can say is that I am so small and He is so big. Every week all I've got to offer is just a couple of loaves and fish, and He just keeps taking it and doing something incredible to it. I serve such an amazing God!

Keep praying for CCF and all the other fellowships at UT and at other universities. God's on the move, and the effect is starting to surface.

He's up to something... and it's BIG.

The Greatest Girl Ever...

A couple days ago, it struck 12 and I left my life of 20 and with no options but one, stepped into the life of an early twenty year old.

After I finished my classes, I went to pick up Kat who was waiting to surprise me by bringing me out to dinner. At first she was gonna blind fold me and drive, but she didn't have the car, so she just said "Drive, and i'll tell you where to turn... I hope we find it." hahah

And so we drove down the DVP, onto Bloor, turning at Avenue, then onto a side street of one of the upper class districts of Toronto. I still had no idea where she was bringing me, until we walked a bit on Cumberland Rd. and then I saw the sign of a restaurant that sounded really familiar and then it hit me...that's where she's bringing me. Sassafraz.

What a nice surprise. I never would've guessed coming here.

And after a little shuffling tables, we ended up sitting at a table on the upper floor. Nice. Quiet. Classy. Intimate. It was just a good place to have a nice meal and not have to be so distracted by conversations of neighbors or the sense of busyness that overflowed from busy waitors darting.

We both had a really nice dinner and then I opened up the present that Kat gave me. When I opened it, I was just so...happy. =)

She made me a scrap book of all of our adventures together in Asia.

As I flipped through the memories, it was just so cool to laugh, remind each other and reminisce of the times we were across the world together.

I'm so blessed to be in this relationship together. And it has been amazing and just such an act of grace that the Lord granted us the summer to experience what we had experienced in Asia together.

Thanks for the amazing night. You're awesome! <3

have u ever been so frustrated with yourself? wonder how could you forget the most important things to you?

why am i so forgetful? where have I arrived? why do i end up like this? this heartache so deserving. it's getting harder and harder to believe. i'm sorry.

confused. struggling. scattered. tired. regretful.

sometimes i'm hesitant to take a next step, scared it might be the wrong one.

One More Time...

So it's been a month since I've been back. I've really done a poor job at keeping this update. Sorry for all of you who've been checking, I'll try to be more diligent on this.

Well just so everyone has some sort of idea what I've been doing this past month...I'm just finishing up my first month at work which has been pretty cool. We just finished a one night retreat with CCF and last Friday was Orientation Dinner which was absolutely awesome. Praise God!

But in the midst of it, I've been feeling tired. September was and still is a busy month and the thing that I craved the most was just support and an understanding. I'm thankful for all those close to me that have been adjusting with me as I slip into a new lifestyle now that I'm working.

So that's a really small recap of what's been going on.

Oh yea, I also turned 21 in the past month. For all of you who came to my birthday party and chipped in for my present, thank you so much! I'm really grateful and I recognize how blessed I am to have friends like all of you.

In a couple weeks I'll be back with the band, and hopefully we'll pull through Song 1 for one final time and actually get a good recording of it. Btw, if any of you know of any gigs coming up let us know, cuz we're in the process of looking right now. Oh yea, if u've got a band name suggestion, that'd help too since we're still nameless. hahah

But onto something a little more indepth, a little more closer inside.

Sometimes I wonder how I'm doing. Sometimes I wonder if I've got it right. I remember it like yesterday...this past week has been a pretty hectic week planning and making last minute arrangements for the big unexpected influx of people coming to CCF's camping retreat. I was excited, quite excited. I felt the tension, the anxiousness, but also excitement just feeling deep inside God's got a bigger plan. That He's got a bigger picture in progress. I just remember countless times praying to God, "What's your plan? How can I follow You and join in what You're doing?"

And as we got there Friday for CCF and I opened the retreat with a prayer, it began to rain. I rushed to get a bunch of people to build a bigger meeting place with what limited tarps, poles and rope we could find as the rest of CCF was playing games and breaking the ice. When we finished, we ate dinner under our tarped area.

I was anxious at this point, just wondering wondering and wondering. I got to the point where I just walked up to Jon and told him, "Hey, if anyone's looking for me, I'll be in my car." And so I walked to my car in the rain, sat down, closed the door and stared out the windshield as the rain hit one by one.

I slowed down. I paused for a while. I breathed deeply and with what I could, I just began to pray. I was anxious. I was tense. I was questioning. And in the midst of it, I just prayed, "God what are You up to? What do You want me to do now?"

And I just heard Him say, just keep doing what you've already got planned. And so I did. When we were just about to start the worship, the rain stopped. And it didn't rain for the rest of the night until about 2 or so when people were starting to go to sleep. Praise God! He really pulled through on that.

But as I came out of retreat, I felt the purpose we had for it was accomplished...but I guess the visionary instinct inside me kinda felt a little disapointed, cuz I envisioned it to be greater. And I'm not sure if it's because we didn't do something or lacked to plan something or expecting God to move in a certain way when He moved another way.

I know this post may read like it was sound bites randomly placed together, but I guess I just wanted to write. I guess sometimes it's a lonely battle to fight when you're the leader. Sometimes the heart just takes twists and turns when you think one way while others may not see it the same way.

Perhaps this post didnt' make any sense, but hopefully my next one will be a bit more coherent and full of sense.

I guess to sum it up...I'm just tired and feeling a bit confused.